todays thoughts

Well the weather is just henious here in REno, the most snow in 150 years, to me that probably dates back to when they started keeping records. That said I have had some time off work and with my trip to Seattle tommarrow by the time I get back to work I will have had 6 days off, more time than I have had off in quite some time. This year is dedicated to believing in me, in the common good and all that the world has to offer. I am dedicating myself to taking care of myself and to continue down this path that I have choosen. I am back in the drivers seat after feeling totally worthless and fucked for the last little while. Madness. I just get so filled with self hatred and indecision at times that I cant tell what end is up and I start to think that I have lost it, and that nothing really matters. Does it really matter to anyone but me that I ride my bike every where, and then I come to the conclusion that I like it and it makes me feel good so I am going to keep doing it. I love the feeling of riding somewhere that I could have driven, I love that, it makes me feel so alive, when I drive somewhere I just feel stuck and it drives me crazy, I love the wind, and all the smells associtated with being on a bike. It is indescribable how good it makes me feel. I am charged and ready to ride again, mind you I will get out and ride in the snow if it keeps this up for much longer but the storm is supposed to clear by Monday afternoon or Tuesday, I return from Seattle on Wednesday so hopefully I will get a ski in that afternoon and then it is back to the grind of work. I almost through with paying my debt off, I cant wait until I am out of the red and back in the black. I have changed how I live so drastically in the last year it is crazy, I am happier and even though I just went through one of the darkest times I can remember i had a better perspective and learned, I still felt alive and feel like I rose to the occassion as best I could. I am commited to further self exploration and growth. There is more of that hippie in me seaping out, well that said I hope to post from SEattle, but may not, as I will be spending time with my girlfriend and enjoying some good food and good times. Best wishes to all in 2005, we as cyclists should all try to drive less in the upcoming year, just commiting to that would be great. Peace