Thursday, January 12, 2006
I struggle therefore I am..
those of you who have read this site for awhile I sure am aware that my path in life has changed something drastic. Reno/tahoe to seattle, leaving a very lucrative table waiting job for love, kind of sappy I know, racing like a maniac to getting so sick that riding down the street is a challange. So here I sit hoping that the struggle will define me. It is said or I have certainly heard that challange and struggle define you as a person. Why is it then that i feel so damn lost, is that all part of the process. I fantasise about the way it was all supposed to turn out. I remember thinking long ago that I could just be happy being part of the pack, following the crowd when I was young, I just had to get some things out of the way. Well those things turned in to some more things, and i came to the realization that I never wanted to be part of all that I just thought that was what was expected. so I moved on, angry upset and frustrated, that my parents hadnt done this or that, that I had had to do this or that. Then I realized how horrid that all sounded, me complaining about such trivial things. So life followed a certain path. Well it is all too confusing and I am not in the right state of mind to keep going. What I am saying and what is evident to those closest to me, I am in a defining time, I am in the cocoon so to speak, I just want to find my wings, i want to be creative, I want to fly, to sing to find my wings so that I can put down the armor, and be me. I am seeking happiness, sufficency, i dont need to have the world I just want to define my place in it. I want more than what i have right now in the sense of the spiritual fulfilment of what I do. I know no other way to say it. I am feeling slighltly better and riding more, but as you can see the mental is striving for more. So I would be willing to say I have felt this way for awhile, although at my last job the money made it easy to continue doing what I did and forgetting about the real purpose I was here. Now I am confronted and challenged to define, i asked for it I damn well better rise to it. thanks for reading and keep on pedalling.