Thursday, January 12, 2006

I struggle therefore I am..

those of you who have read this site for awhile I sure am aware that my path in life has changed something drastic. Reno/tahoe to seattle, leaving a very lucrative table waiting job for love, kind of sappy I know, racing like a maniac to getting so sick that riding down the street is a challange. So here I sit hoping that the struggle will define me. It is said or I have certainly heard that challange and struggle define you as a person. Why is it then that i feel so damn lost, is that all part of the process. I fantasise about the way it was all supposed to turn out. I remember thinking long ago that I could just be happy being part of the pack, following the crowd when I was young, I just had to get some things out of the way. Well those things turned in to some more things, and i came to the realization that I never wanted to be part of all that I just thought that was what was expected. so I moved on, angry upset and frustrated, that my parents hadnt done this or that, that I had had to do this or that. Then I realized how horrid that all sounded, me complaining about such trivial things. So life followed a certain path. Well it is all too confusing and I am not in the right state of mind to keep going. What I am saying and what is evident to those closest to me, I am in a defining time, I am in the cocoon so to speak, I just want to find my wings, i want to be creative, I want to fly, to sing to find my wings so that I can put down the armor, and be me. I am seeking happiness, sufficency, i dont need to have the world I just want to define my place in it. I want more than what i have right now in the sense of the spiritual fulfilment of what I do. I know no other way to say it. I am feeling slighltly better and riding more, but as you can see the mental is striving for more. So I would be willing to say I have felt this way for awhile, although at my last job the money made it easy to continue doing what I did and forgetting about the real purpose I was here. Now I am confronted and challenged to define, i asked for it I damn well better rise to it. thanks for reading and keep on pedalling.

5 comments:

Sally Edith said...

Nat,

The Spirital/Meaning struggle is such a valid one. You have your group of men that ride. Do you have any spiritual group-- like I have a group that Circle Dances on Sacred Sites and honor certain times of the year. Some people find meaning in being a Quaker, some Pagan. You most certainly have this blog.

On the Career front have you thought of a Career Counselor? Or a Coach??

I hope you receive them with my loving intent. Always remember the butterfly who gets its wings through struggling out ot its cocoon. Love, Sally

Kent Peterson said...

Hey Nat,

Swing on by the Bikestation when you get a chance. I've got a little present for you and some stories that I think you'll like.

Hang in there, pal. We can't do everything but what we can do will be enough.

Kent

Cellarrat said...

For me going for a Christ centered life helps but doesn't end the stuggle of life. It's finding the radness in just sitting down for a nice meal with freinds and cracking a nice bottle of red or a full moon at 11,000 ft with your bike. Or just reading the paper with a cup of joe in the morning. Just my .02

Gonterian said...

Emerson said: "people seek to be settled, but only to the extent that they are unsettled is there any hope for them.

Be the person that you dream you are when things are the hardest: that's what people will know you for.

hamad said...

maybe you need to get away from everything and everyone for a while, and not just be by yourself, but just be. to understand yourself, you need to be away from things.

this is an important question in anybody's life...the question of existence.

when life beings to spin; i ask myself the same question over and over again...where am i? the answer is always the same. here. no where else. here.

life is not a struggle. life is wonderful. something to be experienced.

know what you are able to change, and what you are not. that is wisdom.

is there definition in this world? i'm not sure. all i am able to do is just be.

be safe, be well...