Monday, February 06, 2006

settling in

Well it seems that lifes transition is well still in transition. I am working on myself, on my relationship with myself and my partner and on finding out what really makes me happy. I am trying out being night bartender/ manager at my old job, well that starts tommarrow, but what I am really working for is a meaning, a purpose. Until overtraining it was racing, now that seems to be a season off at least, and then probably in a different light, it has really brought me face to face with finding what I really want to do with my life. I am defining much right now, I am up to the challange, I am embracing all the little changes that go on, most of the time. I always thought as a kid that I would have it all figured out by now, I wasnt going to be like my parents who I thought were not suceeding, I was going to show them. Lets just say I have a different perspective on all that right now, on what it means to be an adult, and the choices and sacrifices that they made. As with all fasets of life you have a choice everyday to invent or reinvent your life, you are not stuck with any one path, mind you changing direction mid flow is not the easiest choice but as with all aspects of our human existence we have choices. Not making a choice to change or to search out your path is still making a choice. Action reaction. I have many ideas many things that I am pursueing for the summer. I am not going to sit idle by and watch it all pass thinking that I have to do anything other than make a plan to where i would like to go and know that along the way there will be lessons learned and with new information comes new decisions. As a 5 year old I made a pact that I knew better, and that I would have stuck it out and how could it have been that bad, speaking of my parents divorce, I saw all in black and white, I was going to have the answers before I lept, well in my mind that has held me back. I wanted to know for certain that it would be a certain way before I went, not on all things but the real big life things. I wanted to have a purpose for every move, for ever action, to have a reason. I have not really picked a career, not that I have to, I have said no to marriage, to kids, mostly out of fear of repeating my parents mistakes. That way the rightous kid inside can be right, can prove that he had the answers, that he didnt make the same mistakes. Might I ask myself if that is really a full life. I have done many things, had many experiences, taken risks, I have lived at full speed most of the time. I am in no way saying that I have been timid in my persuit of life, and having a life, I am just saying that I am in a tremendously defining time and I am willing to challange those personal views and assumptions that I made and that is what is taking most of my energy. I want to be free of these assumptions so I am not putting myself under the pressure to race right now so that I can define why it is I really race, I want it to be for me, not for outside praise. I want to be proud and humble and happy all at the same time as doing some really amazing things and while living an unconvetional existence. So if you are still reading this thank you. I hope that it has made some sense, as I am just getting it all out right now, just having one of those brain dump moments where it just helps me to type and get it all out of my head. My friend said that after he overtrained he went through a huge defineing time, now I know what he was talking about. Like I said a while back, I am sure after this is all over I will say it was very positive, just riding out the rapids right now. rage on and as always keep pedaling, for a better existence, for yourself, for health or fun, for meditation, just pedal on my friends.

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