decisions

I have made the decision, the final decision, I must choose health and recovery over racing for the duration of this year, unless something miraculous happens. I have pulled the plug on the Trans Rockies, although I will be cheering Pat and Rich on they will be on single speeds, I wish I was part of the duo, but I unfortunately have put my self in a hole that I must slowly climb out of. It bothers me to no end that I have to do this, and I am upset at the way it is, but then again it is what it is, and only that. There are many year ahead to do great things on and off a bike. I will use this time to refuel and rest. That is if I can get enough time away from work to actually relax. Work has been a complete CF lately, so I have not been the happiest camper, but I am working on being positive and using this time to my advantage. It kills me to not be on my bike, active and present, it was more that just riding it was my time to meditate,time to thin, to just be, it was my coping mechinism, tried and true, it held me together at times. That has been taken away so I have to find new outlets and ways to relax. This is the challange I have been presented with, maybe it is a blessing in disguise, it sure doesnt feel like anything but a curse, a self inflicted tourture chamber, there is no escape there is no way to just push through, I must take it day by day, moment by moment and hope for the best. This is such an odd place for me to be, I have never been one to back down to lie down and admit defeat, I have always been able to keep pushing on and it gets better, not this time, the mental angish that I have faced recently will make me stronger, in the long run, it is teaching me to be gentle to listen and to care. I am attempting to be nice to myself, less judgemental, more accepting, however I am very unaccustomed to behaving this way, I have always been full throtle, wild and on the move, now even though I do somethings, I am not as motivated and action packed, I am reading more and more, and sleeping a whole bunch. I guess it is my body telling me that I had a bunch of chances to listen and didnt so it was going to make sure I listened and got it. Well that is happening and I am accepting my situation for what it is, temporary. I am not going to feel bad, I know that I have dissappointed people and sponsors, for that I am sorry, but shit happens, to go people, none of this was done with intention. I will however be more aware and alert in upcoming seasons and in other aspects of life, so that I dont have to go through this kind of anguish and suffering again.

So far the best diagnosis that has been presented is overtraining syndrome, I think I have said this before, but I am going to another doctor just in case to see what he has to say.