Wednesday, April 02, 2008

so I dropped off the face.....

I have been known from time to time to take a long time between updates. The list of reasons can be long sometimes so I won't bore you with the details. However I have been dealing with some personal issues that have interfered with my updates. From time to time I deal with loads of self doubt and depression this has been one of those times, add to that the feeling of lead in my legs and you have a perfect storm for me not to post, not to see the value in connecting to the outside world. I sit locked in my own head, battling the demons so to speak, and cycling is my drug. When even it doesn't feel right I get very scared. I am currently hoping that I did not push too hard too early in the season and wreck my sometimes fragile mental state. Since I over did it a few years back I have tread lightly, and my fitness has showed that. I fear I may have a smaller dose of that right now. My legs just ache a bit. I do have to stand at work etc. I don't think that it is as bad as it once was, I hope. So I will be spinning my legs to and from work for the next little bit in hopes that I turn the corner and my fitness can get back on track. I have trouble with limits and boundaries sometimes and tend to dive in to what ever it is head first, I just hope that I have not done it again so to speak. I am trying to learn from the past and have a depth and understanding, but it is not easy for me to slow down, when right now that is what I should do. I will probably go riding this weekend again the weather is just too nice to say no to. My timing is impeccable just as the sun comes out I have to take a rest. I ask is there any justice in this, and what is the lesson I am to learn. So I have been reading and resting and trying to smell the flowers. Heres to a good ride on Sunday, that refuels the spirit.

5 comments:

SeattleM&M said...

I think it must be the season for self-doubt and depression. Doesn't help that everybody in Seattle had the flu off and on all winter. I missed easily a month of riding just from being sick or too fragile to push myself much. Plus, damned if there doesn't seem to be a connection between being depression and single-gear obsession. Anyway, take care of yourself -- your blog's one of the things that keeps me riding when I want to give up on getting my aging fat carcass into something resembling good shape. I bet that's true of a lot of people out here in the internet ether.

SeattleM&M said...

I meant a connection "between depression", not "between being depression", although it does seem to take over a person's identity sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I love you and you are fighting a good fight and learning too.

love, mom

Cellarrat said...

Just take it a day at a time Bro!

MzunguEriki said...

I sometimes wonder if the self doubts and depression are a chemical imbalance. Last week I was there. Then I fixed something at work for once and i left the depression behind. Don't know.

erik