Friday, June 08, 2007

searching for my legs...

My legs and health seem to be in question, at least to me. For those faithful readers who have been around since the beginning you may recall that I got ill. It knocked me out and left my body and mind in pieces. As I ready myself for the Test of Endurance this weekend in Oregon I have some doubts, concerns and to be honest I am down right scared. My body and mind are not cooperating right now, not to the extent that they did a few years back, but I have been a bit tired lately. I am left wondering did I try to get fit too fast, did all those long rides set me back instead of making me stronger? shit. Well I plan to race/ride this 50 miler this weekend with the end result being a finish. I don't have my race legs, I haven't really been racing, just a lot of riding, commuting etc. Race fitness maybe next year, I just want to survive this year without putting myself in the black hole. Some people may call it perspective, some may say I worry too much, some may say your crazy for even attempting this race and the puff in a few weeks this soon after such an incredible fireworks show a few years back. I search for reasons and direction and meaning in it all. Am I headed down the path of self destruction again, or am I just hanging on to the past and looking for reasons why I am not as fast. Is it all real or imagined. This beast that we call fitness, what does it really mean. My goal is to be healthy and happy, sure I want to be a mutant, freak, but like I said above it all comes down to perspective, and healthy and not a freak is better than just burned out. My goals are to finish, I would like to finish in under 5 and 1/2 hours, the record to beat is 4 hrs 40 mins. If for some reason my body shuts down then I will deal, and reassess with the focus being to be healthy.

I have been resolved to this. It is temporary and lasting way to long for my liking, but what option do I have than to be in the moment weather that is good or bad, resisting the flow may cause it to last longer. The plan has been laid and now I just have to be ok with sticking to it, win or lose I am along for the ride. They say life is a journey not a destination, words of wisdom in this mad world. Wish me luck and good energy. as always keep pedaling.

3 comments:

CAREY S-H said...

You are going to rock! Just remember that the fitness level you were at when you stopped racing was to some degree insanely incorrect - you were only at that level because you were unhealthy (though it was hard to believe).

You are going to do awesome this weekend and it should be a blast - I wish it were closer so I could come and attend. 15min into the race you will revisit the Nat Pellman of two years ago and you will give it your best go.

Above all else, have fun.

Cellarrat said...

Really just keep pedaling listen to your body and enjoy the ride =)

singlespeedluv said...

Your words are a real inspiration to those of us fighting our own way back, too. So frustrating when it's not as simple as a cast on your arm that heals in 6 weeks, but an unseen force that taunts your inner and outer strength. Keep moving and sharing your wisdom! This post helped me through a particularly bad day. :)